On the 12th of February this year, our beloved River Torrens was drained, reducing our only metropolitan river to a stagnant bog. International guests were greeted with a rubbish and car infested mud-apocalypse, and a stench that one passerby aptly described as 'rotting flesh marinated in hobo vomit'.

It was revealed a malfunction caused the reservoir gates to open, and the alarm that would have normally informed people of this mishap, had been muted. Satisfied with this explanation, the people of Adelaide went about their business, and closed the book on this dark chapter in Adelaidean history.

CLOSE THE BOOK!!?? WHAT THE HELL!!?? Why was an alarm on mute!!?? The ENTIRE purpose of an alarm is to disturb people into action. What criminal mastermind managed to mute the alarm system of a major civic facility? Ordinarily unsolved South Australian crimes are perpetuated by Von Einem, but given that he's:

a)      behind bars
b)      more interested in murder than civic water management

it seems unlikely that he's the culprit. So who's left? Bazza the Bunyip? Trying to increase tourism to his beloved Murray River? No. Serial pest Peter Hore? He's too busy running for Prime Minister. No (really). Another massive cock-up by Patrick 'whatchootalkinbout Adelaide' Conlon? No. The culprit of this dastardly crime must have been none other than Jeff Kennet, who, unsatisfied with taking our only Grand Prix, decided to take our only river as well.

Prick.