Paige Saville puts a cork in it.

Merge's Bluffers Guide shows you how becoming the 'wine wanker' in your social circle is so simple. Just flit around, nose to air, slurring sentences like 'oh my, the sweet berry fruit on the front palate of this Shiraz is phenomenal', or 'that Riesling was ghastly, the fruit wasn't at all in balance with its dry acid backbone'. On the flip side becoming a legit connoisseur equals quite the mission; whether your ambition is to become a sommelier or not, it's a lot more complicated than grasping the concept of horizontal or vertical tastings (Merge Bluffers Guide note: the difference between the two is not whether you're lying down or standing up).

Let's roll with six basic types. White's: Riesling, Sauvignon Blanc, Chardonnay. Red's: Merlot, Cabernet Sauvignon, Shiraz. When attempting to describe a wine, follow the 5 S's - See, Swirl, Smell, Sip and Savour. The next time you see someone holding a glass in the air and staring intently, they're probably not checking if that pesky fly dive bombed their drink, they're figuring out that the deep colour means its heavy, or that the legs (Merge Bluffers Guide note: 'legs' refer to the 'droplets') running down the inside of the glass after swirling it means it's a sweeter drop.

Digest this Bluffers Guide fully so that when you are deep in the boozy dregs of banter about fermented grapes, no-one will know if you're a prize wine bluffer or a genuine wine buff. Remember the word 'palate' is Messiah. When you clink glass to lips, the first sensation of sweet or bitter is your front palate at play. The razzle dazzle jumps out with the general mouth feel in the mid palate and you'll notice the little complexities, while the back palate conjures the throat feeling. If you can taste the wine post swallow for a period of time, it means its high quality.

There are so many flavours, aromas, notes (and plenty more), but that's why there're novels devoted to the art. When dissecting flavours oaked or un-oaked refers to whether the ageing process uses wooden barrels or stainless steel; good oak will punch slightly sweet vanilla flavours while cheaper drops sometimes flirt with a process where sacks are filled with wooden chips and used to infuse wine, kind of like a tea bag. Cork Dorks (after reading this wine Bluffers Guide, will probably tell you about tannin. It's a natural antioxidant and preservative derived from grape skins, seeds and stalks; it's crucial to ageing and helps with structure and texture.

David Hull, who manages a bottle-o in Surfers, revealed we drink wine too hot and too cold. Reds should be chilled for fifteen minutes before consumption, because room temperature as a measure springs back to limestone castles in centuries gone by. Meantime leave your bottle of white out of the fridge between refills and you'll notice an improvement. That being said, temperature effects acidity, tannins and aromatics, meaning there are very specific optimal temperatures that vary greatly between a light bodied, medium bodied, full bodied, red, white or sparkling.

The crux of it is, it's made to be drunk. So if your out and stylin' brush up on your bluffing skills or simply shut up and drink it.