The Safety Crawl

This is a handy note for all the lasses (and lads) who find themselves out on the town at 3am with no mates. I’d like to get on my high horse and pretend I don’t go to Surfers or do the drunken baby giraffe walk in a tiny skirt and Amazonian heels.. but hey, it happens.

It also happens that I may have to choose the late night loner bus ride option to get home (often a better option than the early morning walk of shame). But how does one stealth their way home without fearing the leers, jeers and potential attacks of late night weirdos? OUT WEIRD THEM. Hopefully you’ve been somewhat wise and brought a jumper and or jacket, this is a key to the Safety Crawl.
Step 1 – Your Head: bring your jumper/jacket above your shoulders so the neck-hole is resting on top of your head
Step 2 – Your Shoulders: hunch your shoulders forwards and down (capture the essence of extreme arthritis)
Step 3 - Your Legs: you can adopt a variety of awkward and grotesque walking styles, these can include a combination of: pigeon toes, knock knees, limping and dragging of one leg
Bring together all of these elements and you will find yourself being the creepiest and safest person on the street. Optional fun extras that you can incorporate include: wheezing, tourettes style blaspheming, growling and singing happy birthday slowly under your breath. Warning: these optional extras are only funny if you are drunk enough to pull them off, AVOID GIGGLING – this will blow your cover. Stay tuned for more handy safety tips from mumma Jolie.