During the summer of 1995, Adelaide was hosting what would become the city’s final Grand Prix. As Damon Hill crossed the finish line in what is still widely regarded as the greatest street circuit on the planet, there was a tinge of sadness on every face present. Every face that is; except for two. From the shadows beneath the city’s sewer system, prominent Victorians Ron Walker and Jeff Kennett grinned devilishly, having just stolen the Grand Prix from the City of Adelaide, and celebrated with the torture of a kitten.

 

This brazen act of thievery has been a bitter pill for our fair city to swallow, yet after more than a decade, we’ve managed to move on. The success of our local V8 race, which routinely draws a higher attendance than Melbourne’s International Grand Prix, in addition to our renewed focus on festivals dedicated to music and the arts, have returned much of our stolen pride. More than anything however, we have simply come to accept that Victorians stole our race not out of pathetic envy, but as a result of a genetic predisposition towards crime. As a direct result of their convict heritage, through the veins of every single Victorian courses the blood of murderers, rapists and thieves.

 

In fact, the State of Victoria is responsible for some of the greatest crimes in the history of mankind. In addition to the theft of our beloved Grand Prix, Victoria;

 

·                     Stole the Sphinx’s nose

·                     Kidnapped the Lindbergh baby

·                     Shot both Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls

·                     Exterminated the Mayan people

·                     Murdered Pharlap

·                     Stole and subsequently returned the crown jewels, in exchange for the hosting rights to the 2006 Commonwealth Games.

·                     Foiled the Hitler assassination.

 

More recently, Victorians have been hijacking ships in the Gulf of Aden and framing innocent Somali pirates. What’s worse, this could only be the start – Keep an eye on the border!