ALAN VAARWERK takes a look at just how easy it is to turn a great night out, into a should've gone without.

You’ve heard it all before. The news bulletins about drunken brawls, the latest footy player to expose his, er, tackle, on a silly-season bender, and you’ve seen Tracy Grimshaw lapping up another year’s worth of Schoolies Moral Outrage. You’ve heard the announcement that according to new government guidelines, you only need to have had four standard drinks to be considered a binge drinker. If you believed the hype, you’d think the Gold Coast was a hotbed of drunken debauchery. It’s enough to make you cringe guiltily over your appletini.

You don’t need me to tell you about the risks of excessive drinking – that sort of thing is a job for advertising campaigns and government-funded agencies. But it’s incredibly naive, and downright unhelpful, to just say ‘Don’t Drink’. Australian culture is centred around the stubbie, and that isn’t likely to change. What you should consider though, is just how much of an idiot you look like when you're trashed.

We’ve all been there, trust me – I found out the hard way, being caught on film vomiting into a friend’s mum’s rose garden. We’ve all been on the flipside too – being stone-cold sober in a room full of drunks is like having teeth pulled. You know the ones I mean – the sleazebag trying to put the moves on your lady friends, the boofhead who spits on something every few seconds, the 45-year old woman dancing by herself up the front, writhing away next to the singer, yelling ‘This is MY SONG!’

So is there a happy medium? Is a night on the turps really any more fun than a social tipple? Is there a point where 'funny and charming' is replaced by 'sleazy and annoying'? I decided to find out. Enlisting the help of a couple of chums (let’s call them Paul and Pauline – imaginative, yes?), we decided to hit the town on two separate nights. The first night, we’d keep things civilised, sticking to one drink an hour; the second night, they could knock themselves out. I’d compare their breathalyser results, looks and actions between the two nights. It’s a tough gig, but somebody’s got to do it.

Night 1 – Social Drinks (8pm – 11pm)
 On the first night, we go to a club with an outdoor area and it’s not long after the first drink before we start to loosen up and relax. Paul’s telling some really terrible jokes, and Pauline is doing her best to ignore them, talking quickly and animatedly, waving her arms around like Kermit the Frog. After the last drink, Paul and Pauline, who are dating, go inside to dance. They come back out sweaty and red-faced; Paul says he felt a bit lost without more liquid courage, but Pauline ‘had a blast’. We call it a night at eleven – Pauline’s feet are sore and we’re all a bit sleepy from the alcohol. A quick check of the breathalyser indicates that, even though we’d only had three drinks in three hours, we’re all over the legal driving limit.

I spoke to a medical professional about this, who said alcohol reaches the bloodstream and brain almost immediately, but blood alcohol level only lowers around 0.016 every hour. So, not only is it still safer to catch a cab after a few social drinks, but a big night (say, 0.2) could take ten hours to wear off – you’ll probably still be over the limit the next morning. It’s generally agreed upon that at around 0.13, drunkenness generally shifts from euphoria, sociability and self-confidence, to disorientation, dizziness and emotional upheaval.

Night 2 – On A Bender (9.30pm – 12.30am)
It’s only a Tuesday night, but there are a lot of people out. After drinking for a while at one nightclub, we leave and head to another, because, in Pauline’s words, ‘the drinks are more expensive but the music’s better.’ By this stage, about 11:30 pm they’re both finding it hard to walk without holding on to each other. At the second club, Paul is knocked back by the bouncers for not wearing a collared shirt. As we move off, Paul goes all Fight Club and starts talking about punching the bouncer and violence being good for the soul. Pauline tries to console him by sitting on his lap and stroking his face – seriously, guys, I’m right here. The night ends when Paul accidentally knocks over someone else’s drink and Pauline starts crying. Our taxi driver doesn’t know what hit him.

Night 2 – On a Bender (9.30 pm – 12.30 am)
Paul
Drinks: 6 schooners Heineken full-strength beer, 4 gin & tonics.
Breathalyser Reading: 0.187
Calories Consumed: 1666 (approx.) (That’s about 3 Big Macs’ worth, just so you know)
Appearance: In a word: Messy. Sweating, talks loudly (spitting), red blotches across neck and face. Breathing heavily. Eyes unfocused, huge cheesy grin.
Muppet Most Like: Somewhere in between the Swedish Chef and Animal – talking gibberish and being a general klutz, but also with a strong urge to hit something.

Pauline
Drinks: 2 Margarita cocktails, 3 gin & tonics
Breathalyser Reading: 0.179
Calories consumed: 726 (approx.)
Appearance: Dishevelled, hair not as neat as before. Eyes droopy, eyeshadow smudged from rubbing them. Laughing, talking loudly to the point of shouting, accidentally spilling drinks by waving arms. She’s all over Paul, arms around his neck, sitting on his lap.
Muppet Most Like: Elmo, talking a bit like a four-year-old but having a lot of fun. There’s a little bit of Miss Piggy, too – seriously, she’s all over Paul.

the night ends when Paul accidentally knocks over someone else’s drink and Pauline starts crying. Our taxi driver doesn’t know what hit him

The next morning, I give them a ring to see how they pulled up. Paul just gurgles, ‘I feel like shit.’ Luckily for me, Pauline is a bit more talkative. ‘I can’t believe I started crying, I don’t even remember why,’ she says. How did the two nights compare? ‘Last night started off great, like when you’re tipsy and you’re laughing and feeling really good. That was after drinking about as much as the first night, maybe a bit more. After that it just got messy and you start feeling like you’re losing control. I dunno if it was worth feeling this crappy.’ Apparently she was riding the chunder bus for a good fifteen minutes upon getting home.

So when’s a good time to stop? ‘I reckon when you first start to get tired, that’s the point of no return. You can either call it a night or kick on – the sugar and carbs in your drinks make the tiredness go away, but that’s when you start acting like a tool.’

So there you go. You know the statistics; do with them what you will. But next time you hit the town, have a think about what sort of night you want to have. Maybe you'll have more fun with a few nice cocktails than if you guzzle three litres of beer. You may feel like a legend, but when you're unable to get your kebab anywhere near your mouth, you just look like a loser.

Disclaimer: Merge does not condone excessive alcohol consumption - or the disgraceful behaviour (zig-zag staggering, making out with strangers, picking a fight with the biggest guy in the bar or redecorating the bathroom with half digested pizza) that comes with it, participants allowed Merge to observe and interview them in their natural habitats. For more information visit http://www.alcohol.gov.au.