The year was 1908 and the newly formed Commonwealth of Australia needed a capital city. Unable to decide between Sydney and Melbourne, the powers that be decided instead to create an entirely new city located between the two. Little did they know that this bold plan would one day lead to the creation of one of the planet’s true wonders: the world’s largest above-ground hole.

 

There have been a number of highly dubious decisions made during the course of Canberra’s development, the first[1] of which was the location. Even as early as 1908, Australia had developed a strong beach culture; and with every capital city being located on the coast, the sea was a cornerstone of Australian life. Fittingly, our nation’s capital was built 150km inland, surrounded by snow-covered mountains, with no beach in sight[2]. There’s a reason NSW was happy to part with the land.

 

 

From here the decision making went from bad to worse, with the city’s design not being carefully constructed by the Government, but instead subject to a farcical international architecture competition, the purpose of which was less about finding the optimal design for the city, and more about generating cheap publicity for the country. Unfortunately, the competition was won not by an Australian, but by a filthy yank, who later admitted to using the ‘bicycle wheel’ as inspiration[3].

 

A BIKE WHEEL!!!

 

A lake was excavated and named in honour of this doofus, yet (as a direct result of the contempt the population of Canberra held for him) wasn’t filled until 1963. The biggest problem associated with Burley Griffin’s design, is that he planned ahead for the city’s expansion, and spread everything out across ludicrous distances accordingly. With Canberra’s sole purpose for existence being the running of the country, the single biggest employer is the Federal Government[4]. With every Government in the history of federation promising to cut back on public spending and improving efficiency in the public service, the city’s biggest industry has never been able to expand enough to result in a substantial population growth.

 

Furthermore, with the city’s construction and management being so carefully planned, Canberra has grown un-organically, and is consequently a city without any semblance of soul or unique character[5]. Add to this the fact that Parliament House; the city’s biggest drawcard[6], is nothing but a glorified flag pole, and you have one of the Western world’s most thoroughly unimpressive capital cities. Every landmark; every reason people have for visiting Canberra is a bitter, bitter disappointment. Let’s take a look: 

 

War Memorial: Focuses on Gallipoli[7] and is in serious need of some gardening[8]

Pornography: Available free on the Internet. FREE!!

Fireworks: Available only 1 day a year, and only to people with an ACT license.

National Museum: A complete joke, with not one interesting exhibit. Not one.

James Cook Memorial: A water jet.

The Carillon: Nothing but bells.

 

The city’s homeless population is inexplicably high[9], and almost every major international entertainer avoids the city[10]. The airport is tiny, and flights to most capital cities involve a stop off in Sydney, via a plane sporting visible propellers. It’s 2008!!! Despite the city’s careful planning and spread-out design, there are no trains or trams, and the bus system is run by two competing companies, whose tickets are not compatible with each other’s buses[11]. The city’s inland, mountain-adjacent location results in icy cold winds that cut at a man’s very soul, and what little nightlife Canberra has, is consistently ruined by drunken soldiers from the Royal Military College Duntroon.

 

If only Sydney had swallowed its pride and let Melbourne have the glory of being the Nation’s capital, this whole sordid mess could have been avoided, and Toowoomba could have held the crown as Australia’s largest inland city.

 

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